John was born with the innate awareness that no human being is an island. He has an instinctive feeling of belonging to a larger human family, and from childhood to later life he will always turn to others for a sense of nourishment and support. From the very first weeks of life he thrives and is happy if there is plenty of company around, even if he is occupied with his own toys, interests or friends. However engrossed he may be in an immediate enthusiasm, the sense of a harmonious group around him is essential to his psychological well-being. Because of this, John will be more acutely distressed than many children if there is an atmosphere of emotional coldness and distance within the family environment. Whatever the financial or social circumstances into which he was born, he is by nature devoid of intolerance and clannishness. Even if family members try to instill narrower values into him, he will shrug them off as he grows older and comes in contact with a wider world. He will be drawn to friends according to his own likes and dislikes rather than because they are "suitable". It would be most helpful for parents and family members to trust his naturally friendly attitude toward others. In this respect many adults might learn a great deal from him.

John loves meeting new people in all sorts of situations - on trains and planes, in shops and restaurants, at school and on holiday. He may often be caught wandering over to strangers to talk to them, and will usually be the first to initiate a friendship with another child. At school he is likely to be a gregarious and popular person, able to effortlessly attract others because he is so extremely likeable. He does not invoke enmity or aggression because he does not really feel it. He is also likely to be popular among teachers and family friends, because he is inclined to treat everyone kindly and courteously and only becomes difficult if others are hurtful or aggressive toward him. John is therefore likely to have many friends throughout childhood, although these friends may quickly be outgrown and replaced by other friends - but he would usually rather have even superficial company than no company at all. He loves to feel he belongs, and will quickly adapt to the mannerisms, rules and prevailing attitudes first of the family and then of the wider circle of his peer group. He is not "pretending" in order to be liked, but genuinely feels happier and more at home blending harmoniously with others. Sometimes it may be hard to know just what John really thinks and feels, so adept is he at this gift of harmonious merging with the group. Yet his gentleness, fairness and deep sense of the value of others is not a performance put on to earn love and acceptance. It is very real, and lies at the core of his nature.

John tends to form his ideas about life through a constant mental process of comparison with the attitudes of others. In early childhood this may be reflected by a close attentiveness to every parental mood and expression, as though he were an actor learning his cues. As he grows older, he may constantly ask parents, siblings and friends what they think - should he wear this pair of shoes, or choose that gift for Christmas, or select another topic for a school project? John seeks constant feedback, and is not likely to keep his questions and problems to himself. This could be a great boon because parents and family have plenty of opportunity to share in his developing values and thoughts. Yet it may sometimes seem as though he does not have a sufficient inner sense of his own identity, and must therefore consult the mirror of others' responses before he can really know what he is feeling and thinking. John is neither weak nor passive. But he only feels comfortable making decisions when a consensus of opinion has been taken. Then he will instinctively try to find the most balanced and least disruptive stance. He may need a lot of encouragement in expressing what is really in his mind and heart, There are times when his tendency to try to be agreeable may go against his own strong emotions and personal needs. He may try to stifle healthy anger in order to preserve harmony among siblings. This could create a certain evasiveness in his way of interacting with others. John may need some confidence-building - not in the sense of gratuitous flattery, but in the form of real validation of his own ideas and feelings. The sooner parents offer this support, the better. His fairness, courtesy and refinement are wonderful qualities which will be a delight to everyone with whom he comes in contact. But he may undervalue himself and place too much importance on the needs and wishes of others, leaving him open to being bullied or manipulated by more aggressive natures.

John does not simply like other people - he actually becomes them much of the time. His sensitivity to the emotional atmosphere in the environment is so great that from a very early age he may duplicate the attitudes, feelings and mannerisms of family members. Chameleon-like, he may display this same propensity for behaving like a photographic plate if he spends any prolonged period of time around people outside the immediate family circle. If he stays with a grandparent or aunt or family friend for a weekend, parents may come back to find that the child they thought they knew has taken on a completely different set of behaviour patterns. John is a kind of living container for the collective psyche of family members, expressing their combined values and feelings through his own actions and emotional responses.

This does not mean that he has no identity of his own. But he has an instinctive psychic connection with others as well as a deep need to retain that connection. The risk of angry confrontation or isolation is very frightening to him. He may not only mask his own deeper needs, but may not even realise that he has any needs other than those which express the overall emotional currents of the family. As he grows up, he will display a personality flexible and tolerant enough to understand others at a very deep level. He can always be counted on to respond sympathetically to others' problems. Yet John may sometimes be far too forgiving and adaptable for his own good. He may be too quick to give away a treasured toy or object just because a more demanding sibling keeps insisting that he or she wants it. And he may allow siblings to blame him for the mischief they themselves have perpetrated, suffering in silence rather than risking the loss of close companionship. Sometimes there is a lost, rather forlorn quality in his eyes, as though he feels the whole weight of the sadness of the human race. There is indeed a level where John experiences others' unspoken sadness and confusion as his own. This makes him deeply vulnerable as well as empathetic, and he may need to learn some important lessons in realism and self-assertion as he grows up.

John was born with an innate sense that everyone is part of his family. He is also bright and alert, and will probably learn to communicate at a very young age in surprisingly fluent ways. Communication with other people is a powerful and fundamental need in his nature, and it will be in large part through words and ideas that he establishes a sense of closeness with others. John needs plenty of encouragement and family interest in his mental development. He is happiest in a lively atmosphere where family members talk openly to each other and discuss all kinds of issues, large and small. In a narrow or noncomunicative environment he will visibly wilt. If parents are not accustomed to communicating their thoughts and feelings it would be helpful if they could learn for the sake of John's well-being as he develops. Time needs to be taken listening to his efforts to formulate words and ideas, and he thrives if he feels those around him are genuinely interested in what he is thinking and doing. Discuss his homework with him, introduce him to books, and make the effort to share aesthetic things - paintings, music, history - since his mind also appreciates beauty and refinement. Most importantly, try to provide him with the best education available, even if this has not been a priority in the family background. John's vibrant curiosity about life and people should never be stifled by inverse snobbery ("Our family are working class, not intellectuals, so don't put on any airs") or covert envy ("We didn't have the money or time for that sort of thing, and what was good enough for us is good enough for you"). He needs plenty of air to breathe on the mental level, plenty of room to make new friends and contacts, and plenty of freedom to explore the wider world beyond the family.

John's powerful longing for order and structure deepens his need of the approval and acceptance of those around him. He is most contented when there is a firm and stable backdrop to his life, and he will probably appreciate carefully maintained routines and a minimum of change in his physical environment. This does not mean the application of cold or unfeeling discipline, for John's nature is outgoing and receptive and such treatment would leave long-term unhappiness. But he needs a definite script to follow and a sense of his correct role within the family and, later on, within the hierarchy of his peers at school. Faced with sudden change or chaotic surroundings, he is likely to withdraw into himself and become fearful and anxious. He may then quietly resort to the use of ritual - repeating small tasks or reaching for a particular "comfort" food - because of the sense of security such symbolic actions bring. He may also develop an exaggerated sense of self-reliance too early, because he fears disappointing others.

John is especially needy of parental reassurance for tasks well done. Because he is likely to show an early sense of responsibility, it may be tempting for parents to slip into the habit of relying on him to look after younger siblings or take on household duties, without showing the appreciation he deserves for such efforts. Never take him for granted, for he will try hard to fulfill others' expectations in order to feel safe and he may appear more self-sufficient than he really feels inside. If parents need to punish or reprimand him, it should be done objectively, calmly and with reasons given. If domestic change or upheaval is necessary, give John plenty of time to become accustomed to any disruption in the environment rather than simply springing it on him the day before. Although capable of handling responsibility at quite a young age, he is not inwardly very sure of himself and he depends heavily upon a stable environment and the ongoing approval of others. With enough support provided in childhood, he will be able to feel more secure within himself and will cope much better with life's inevitable surprises.

John's power to attract others springs from his inherent feeling of affinity with people. The importance he places on relationships with others does not reflect a mere need to please, but arises from an innate instinct that he belongs to a larger human family and that it is interaction with others that makes life worthwhile. Because of his adaptability to any collective of which he is a part, John may seem elusive and hard to know. He will rarely express emotions or ideas which are too individualistic and might alienate others. There will come a time, as he grows up, when life will challenge him with the task of defining his real values, and he may periodically be faced with what is for him the very difficult issue of invoking the disapproval of the group in order to be true to himself. He is as capable as the next child of being difficult and rebellious if he feels angry and cornered. But it should be remembered that such episodes usually leave a long period of anxiety in their wake, followed by an increased need for reassurance. Conflict with others arouses all his deepest fears of isolation. John's essential tolerance, decency and liking for people ensure that he will always try the diplomatic solution first. Consequently he may well find himself playing the role of peacemaker and go-between among quarrelling family members or friends. Individual recognition ultimately means less to him than the secure and fulfilling experience of being part of the lives of others, and of discovering that wherever in the world he goes as he grows up there will always be people who welcome him as a friend.

• A hidden but intensely individualistic spirit
• Yet hidden beneath his amiable and gregarious personality, there are many intensely individualistic qualities which John is likely to suppress from quite a young age in order to preserve his sense of belonging. This secret side of his personality may show itself in abrupt outbursts of anger, or in cycles of apparently aggressive or anti-social behaviour which seem very alien to his usual manner. He may not find it easy to talk about such outbursts afterward, and may even attempt a denial of responsibility by blaming them on a sibling or even on an imaginary playmate who embodies all the disruptive behaviour which he himself cannot give voice to. Although John is usually acutely aware of the needs of others, secretly he may feel much more special and deserving of the limelight than he dares to show. As he gets older he may find it quite difficult to reconcile this hidden individualist with his desire to accommodate the wishes of those he cares for. Even without any attempt on the part of parents to restrain these more powerfully selfcentred impulses, John will very likely suppress them himself because of his fear of alienation from loved ones. Yet if he buries such feelings, he may be subject to bouts of severe restlessness and anxiety, as well as experiencing deep envy toward those children who are freer to express themselves. Parents can help this problem by encouraging him to be more honest about showing what he really feels and wants, rather than worrying all the time about whether someone else will be offended. Because his nature is such an amiable one, it may be too easy to assume that John simply doesn't have such "selfish" needs. Yet this intensely individualistic spirit is a great strength, which needs to be integrated with his more gregarious qualities so that he can find the right balance between self and others. Then he can feel, as he grows up, that he has something unique and valuable of his own to offer the larger group on which he depends so much.

Although his deepest values spring from feelings and instincts, John's greatest need in relation to others is a sense of mutual respect and mental affinity. Plenty of verbal communication is extremely important for his emotional well-being, so be prepared to talk to him openly, without preconceived ideas of what parents "should" tell their children, and answer even the most embarrassing questions as honestly as possible. John is extremely inquisitive about people and may sometimes seem disrespectful of traditional age roles in the questions he asks them - as though parents and grandparents are simply other people just like his friends at school. For him, a sense of happiness in the company of others depends upon finding them interesting and being found interesting in turn. If he cannot experience this sense of lively communication and mutual interest, he may become bored and transfer his attention elsewhere. It may be disturbing if he acts this way toward siblings or family members, although it does not mean he no longer loves them. But he has a remarkable ability to establish a sense of "family" according to mental affinity rather than simple biology, and may find it hard to offer undeviating devotion to family members simply because they are family, if the sense of "like minds" is missing. Always fair and kind to others, he can nevertheless be terrifyingly honest in expressing his need for relationships which are as much of the mind as of the heart.

John's refined emotional nature requires a good flow of communication with loved ones, for a sense of mental rapport forms the real basis of his sense of security and well-being. However, he can sometimes, feel extremely shy and insecure and may make such communication difficult because he withdraws and shuts others out. He may be moody and prone to melancholy, and may also suffer from feelings of intense loneliness - especially if he has been rebuffed in his efforts to communicate. Family members and friends may easily assume he is more emotionally self-sufficient than he actually feels because he is prone to displaying a proud aloofness if he experiences neglect or rejection. It is important that parents do not subject him to cutting criticism or humiliating rebuffs, for he lacks the confidence bounce back from such experiences and will simply assume he is unlovable. If he comes home from school hurt and withdrawn, don't ignore the signs - any social ostracism or rejection matters deeply to him, although he may need to be coaxed into talking about it. Above all, a feeling of being understood matters deeply to John, and a free and lively flow of communication with others is essential to his sense of happiness, contentment and emotional security. Lively, intelligent and curious, his inquisitive nature and eagerness to discover everything about those he loves should never be criticised or repressed. Love which is expressed only through dutiful self-sacrifice or intense possessiveness will leave him feeling lonely and burdened. His understanding of a safe and supportive relationship is one in which people care and are sensitive to each other's feelings but also allow each other breathing space and room to think their own thoughts. His emotional needs, however intense, will always be tempered by a profound sense of fair play and respect for others' differences, and he quite justifiably expects the same in return.

There are different needs in relation to mother and father - not only based on the obvious fact of the sexual difference between parents, but also based on the child's own personality make-up and way of interacting with each parent as an individual. Just as every child's character is unique and inherent, so too are that child's feelings and emotional requirements in relation to parents, siblings and friends. Gaining some understanding of these requirements can help family members provide at least some of these fundamental needs, thereby offering an environment which - to use the words of Winicott - is "good enough" to allow the child to develop his or her relationships with greater inner security and trust.

John has an image of his father as a true gentleman - a man who has refinement, courtesy and taste, and who can open up the world of beauty and gracious living to his son. John's father does not need to aspire to some impossible artistic or sybaritic lifestyle. But his son longs to be shown something of the qualities of courtesy, fairness and taste which are such an important dimension of enjoying life. John's inner perception of masculinity is not that of a warrior - it is that of a refined individual who can combine reason and ethics with the ability to relate to all that is beautiful in life. Even if social or educational background has prevented the father from developing these aspects of his character, he will have the opportunity to share his own dreams and artistic aspirations with his son to the great benefit of both. John is deeply and affectionately attached to his father, and looks to him for a code of ethics and civilised behaviour. The son also perceives his father as someone attractive to women. Whether this is acted out in reality or not - and whether other family members approve or not - John nevertheless admires and hopes to internalise this quality as he grows up.

Obviously no parent, however cultured or wellmannered, can be handsome, gracious and impeccably behaved twenty-four hours a day. Moreover, circumstances such as work pressures or family conflicts may mean that father and son have less time to spend together than they might wish. But it is the quality of the relationship which matters, not the quantity. The time father and son have together needs to include plenty of shared hobbies, pleasures and exploration of the world of beauty, whether this is found in nature, music, art, history, or games such as chess which challenge the intellect instead of the body. If this side of life has previously not been included in his father's agenda, the relationship can provide a wonderful opportunity for both to learn about it. Parental conflicts or jealousy on the part of other family members should never be used as a justification for interference in the strong and affectionate bond between father and son, for John will gradually internalise the civilised qualities he sees in his father and these will form the basis for how he behaves as a man later in life. Most importantly, it is a set of values which the son looks to his father to provide - values of decency, courtesy, refinement and reason which will strongly affect how John treats others in all his later relationships.

John has an image of his mother as figure of great emotional depth and power. This image borders on the mythic, for the boy imagines mysterious hidden depths in his mother and is fascinated - and perhaps even a little frightened - by them. It does not matter if she feels tired, stressed and anything but deep and powerful. John perceives her not just as "mother" but as a mysterious and magical being, and he will try to respond to her emotional needs with a combination of intense loyalty, awe and a touch of anxiety. On the most profound level he wants his mother to be complex, subtle and unfathomable. The deeper world which he seeks to explore with her is not the superficial "Have a nice day, darling" level of emotional exchange. He is perceptive and knows that people are much more complicated than they seem. Therefore emotional honesty between mother and son would be immensely helpful. The more able his mother is to face and express what she really feels even if such feelings are intense or not quite conventionally "acceptable" - the more able John will be to understand and value his own deeper feelings. He is not frightened of his mother's depths - only of her silence and reftisal to communicate her feelings. An honest interchange can provide him with a sound and healthy base of self-knowledge so that he can move out into life with tolerance of and empathy for the whole spectrum of human emotion.

John is intensely attuned to his mother's hidden emotional life and may sense more about her than she is conscious of herself. Hiding dark family secrets can be hurtful and undermining because he knows when she is deceiving him - even if she is not aware of it. Suppressed resentment or anger will also make itself known to him as loudly as if he were hearing a radio broadcast, and because he perceives her as a figure of great power this could provoke considerable anxiety because he fears she is angry with him. John does not need a mother who is always nice, good and polite. He loves and admires his mother for her mystery and her rich depth of feeling - even if those feelings are sometimes very raw. But he wants the affinity he feels to be validated by honest communication. Any form of emotional manipulation (such as brooding silences meant to punish him when he has done something wrong) can be unnecessarily threatening. Also, his passionate loyalty to his mother should never be used as a weapon in any parental conflict. The bond between mother and son contains a rare and special level of emotional empathy, and it could be a source of great healing, understanding and compassion for both. For this reason the relationship needs to be held in the light, not submerged in the shadows. Through it John can discover that the deeper and more complex levels of need and passion are one of the great blessings of being human.

Although in many ways retiring and not obviously assertive, John has a profound need to assert his individuality and make his mark on the environment. One of the most profound underlying issues in his development is this desire for a sense of potency and individual expressiveness. However diffident he may sometimes appear, he will never truly be prepared to sit passively and let life shape him. As he grows into adulthood he will attempt subtly or obviously - to actively impose his presence and values on the world outside. Yet at the same time he has a great fear that the outer world will prove stronger, and that ultimately he will be thwarted or restricted by factors which are beyond his control. This deep fear of impotence in the face of external forces may drive John into holding back his need to express his identity in a direct and confident way. Although it may appear otherwise, he may secretly try to placate or impress those around him because his sense of inner potency is sometimes so shaky. Every powerful urge within any human being tends to provoke its opposite - for if we desire something strongly enough, we will also feel frightened that we will not get it and all our efforts will be doomed to frustration. Such is the case with John, whose profound need to be a distinct and effective personality activates within him the great fear that life - and other people - will not allow it.

Because he is deeply wary of any person or thing which may have power over him, John may develop a certain watchfulness as he gets older - as though he were always taking a deep breath and considering his chances before attempting to take on any new challenge. This quality of hesitancy may express itself as a fear of meeting new people and situations. But his anxiety may also be masked by an outward manner of cool competence or bravado with which he fools everybody - including himself. When his fears are most active he may lack real spontaneity. Even if he seems very extraverted and outgoing, this extraversion can have a peculiarly strenuous quality - as though he were on stage acting the part of an extravert while someone altogether more withdrawn, sensitive and afraid hides behind the mask. The more parents are attuned to his fears, the more encouragement and support they will be able to offer him. But the more others expect John to perform with confidence and competence all the time, and the more impatience they show toward his occasional awkwardness, the more frightened he will become - not only because the world seems so much bigger than he is, but also because he feels isolated with his fears and ashamed of his lack of bravery.

John may develop certain characteristic defensive mechanisms in order to fend off his feelings of anxiety. He may use his own physical body as a defence against secret feelings of helplessness. Thus he may equate physical strength with a sense that he is in control, and may become precociously competent and skilled at sport or other physical pursuits. Nevertheless he may still experience great anxiety in the face of challenges which require other, subtler resources. Personal possessions may also provide a means of assuaging fear. As he gets older he may hoard things or become preoccupied with having the right clothes, the right social position or the right home environment to which he can bring his friends. He may worry unnecessarily about bodily perfection, always finding something too big or too small which "spoils" his looks. His deep fear of powerlessness may be masked by efforts to acquire as much physical and material potency as possible to restore a sense of control. It is important that parents do not inadvertently collude with such defenses through overvaluing the material and formal side of life at the expense of his emotional and imaginative expression.

John may also interpret every experience of emotional frustration or rejection as an affirmation of his intrinsic unlovability. He has a great fear of being humiliated by others' contempt or mockery, and may equate any failed effort with some deep flaw in his own character. This may sometimes make him feel extremely sorry for himself, and he may resort to chronic complaining or manipulative tactics to enlist others' support and assuage his sense of helplessness. He may need constant reassurance that he will still be given love and affection even if he is not perfect, and any criticism - however valid and gently offered - may provoke storms of tears or sulky withdrawal. Although blindly indulging such excessive sensitivity would be unproductive in the long term, a lack of empathy with his very real vulnerability would undermine his confidence even further.

Behind all these highly personal defensive mechanisms lies a fundamental human dilemma which John instinctively senses will be important in his future development. This is the dilemma of individual human potency in the face of the enormity and unpredictability of life. No person, however intelligent, strong and gifted, can always be in control of life. The path between domination and resignation is a tightrope which few people can walk without occasionally falling off; and some people never find any way to walk it at all, and instead adopt one extreme or the other. John will probably display both extremes during childhood. In some situations he may express an overly demanding or controlling manner in his effort to assert his power over the environment, and may inadvertently anger others and attract the very obstruction he most fears. At other times he may display a diffident passivity which requires others to make decisions for him and inhibits any direct expression of his own individuality. As he gets older and begins to communicate his feelings and fears, it would be most helpful for parents to talk with him about these issues. John has an instinctive perception of their importance to his future development, and with enough support and understanding he will be able to deal creatively with the challenge of expressing his individuality in the wider world of which he is a part.

John's chief object of energy and commitment is other people, but the whole wide world is a place of interest and everything in it a subject worthy of study. Other people are likely to be especially interesting, and he needs plenty of contact and opportunities to share thoughts and ideas from quite a young age. His inquisitiveness and desire for a broad perspective of life are likely to make him an energetic and lively student at school, and his need to communicate his ideas to other people suits him to classes which allow room for discussion and debate. Learning should be an extremely positive experience for him, with one possible drawback - he may find many subjects and teachers too narrow in nature, and may find it hard to accept well-worn ideas which are collectively acceptable but past their prime. But although the world seems to him a fascinating place, his ability to do well at school depends in large part on his sympathetic relationship with individual teachers ' Highly intuitive and sensitive to the feelings of others, he will only come fully alive if the teacher is really interested too. Subjects which involve the study of human beings, their history, motives and behaviour, are likely to fascinate him. If he seems to be doing badly in his schoolwork, ask him about the teacher, for his progress in learning is directly linked to his feeling of being appreciated and understood.

The highly receptive quality of John's mind ensures that his feeling of personal affinity with teachers will strongly affect his performance at school. A huge, amorphous educational establishment would not suit him, for his innate love of learning is highly influenced by the quality of the individuals offering that learning. Therefore a smaller school where personal attention and interest can be offered would be preferable to one with high academic standards but where he vanishes amidst the throng. Most importantly, the inclusive and progressive qualities of his mind need to be recognised and supported. He can work comfortably with logical concepts but needs room for speculative thinking. The wider the curriculum, and the more flexible the individual teachers, the happier he is likely to be at school. Outside activities which encourage learning - clubs, societies, additional classes - may also prove helpful, and travel and exposure to other cultures and languages would be an inspiration to his curiosity about life and people. Most helpful of all would be an active mental life within the family, where learning and the exploration of ideas are treated with as much respect as the more practical aspects of life.

Whatever contradictions of behaviour John might express during his childhood years, he will throughout his life, consciously or unconsciously, seek a sense of order, pattern and interconnectedness. It is through the material world that he will eventually pursue this quest for contact with the essential rhythms of life, and therefore it is through physical concerns - nature, the body, crafts and artistic work - that he will come closest to that feeling of precision and clarity which makes sense of the chaos of life and creates an experience of underlying harmony. His innate integrity and respect for reason, emerging in its full strength only as he leaves childhood behind, will always ensure that he treats others with fairness and decency - and attracts the same in return. Ideals and ethics will form an important part of his developing vision of life, as will his urge to understand the world around him. Thus his eventual choice of vocation in adulthood will need to be based not merely on earning a living but on contributing his ideas to the wider world. He is on the way to becoming a practical idealist - a thoughtful and reflective individual who will ultimately strive to establish his place in the larger human family through a field of work which improves the consciousness or well-being of others. If there is any single thing which parents would benefit from recognising about John, it is that he is an inhabitant of this world here and now. However active his imagination might be, the quality of his daily life - environment, personal relationships, everyday tasks - will always matter more than the quantity. "Some day..." is not enough for him, for every day is important and future promises and possibilities will never fully compensate for a present fraught with disorder, deception and conflict. As he moves into adulthood his need for order and rhythm, and his abhorrence of chaos and destructiveness, will emerge with increasing strength, colouring his choice of vocation as well as his way of responding to life. His inner spirit is full of clarity, refinement and grace. He has the potential to become a natural and instinctive healer - easily bruised by the crudeness of the world but always able to find a way to put order back into life, for others as well as himself.

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