CHAPTER I

INTRODUCTION

The Alchemy of Relationship

"The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical substances. If anything happens, both are changed. "

• - C. G. Jung
• When we mix together the ingredients for a cake, we begin by measuring the appropriate quantities of distinct and separate ingredients: flour, butter, eggs, sugar, milk. But somehow, when these are blended together in a particular order and baked at a particular temperature, we create an altogether different entity. The chemical composition of the ingredients has irrevocably changed, - the cake smells, looks and tastes different from any single ingredient which we put into it at the outset,, and through some magic which the chemist might explain but the cook usually does not comprehend, a transformation process has occurred which is nothing short of miraculous. Some ingredients, skillfully combined, make a delicious treat. Others produce a reasonable but unexciting dessert. Still others, even if they sounded wonderful in the book, create one of those kitchen failures which teach us to try another recipe next time. And perhaps even more mysteriously, different people like some kinds of cakes and find others indigestible; and no one really knows why.

  Human relationships are considerably more enigmatic than cookery, for the psychologist, unlike the chemist who observes changes in the molecular structure of eggs and flour, will never be able to totally reduce our interaction with others to a rational formula. There is a profound mystery at the heart of every relationship which always eludes our best efforts to explain why we are with this person and not that one. Yet the essential principle is the same. Take two human ingredients, distinct and separate, and put them together in the mixing bowl of a close relationship. Stir vigorously and apply heat - the heat of sexual desire, emotional need, conflict, intellectual exchange, the challenges of time and mundane circumstances, idealisation and inspiration - and through some extraordinary alchemy a new entity is created with its own life-force, its own intelligence and vision, and its own identity independent of and different from the two people who generated it.

  Even more mysterious is the effect which this new entity has on the character and development of the individuals involved. At best, each person may grow and blossom through the transformative effect of the relationship. At worst, both may suffer. Or the relationship may be healthy for one partner but turns out, however delicious, to disagree badly with the other. Some people bring out the worst in us, and some bring out the best. And this is not necessarily related to how we are treated by our partners. We may feel profound compassion for failings in one individual which invoke only contempt or anger when we perceive the same failings in someone else. We may find ourselves able to explore and express talents and abilities in one relationship which seem mysteriously blocked or thwarted in another - despite any active encouragement or obstruction on the part of our companion. Sometimes even deep love between partners cannot prevent the gradual erosion of confidence and enthusiasm in one or both people. Sometimes a couple who have always been ill-suited and unhappy with each other remain inexplicably locked in relationships for a lifetime, yet at other times a couple who in fact have much in common as well as a deep attachment to each other are forced apart in spite of their sincere and prolonged efforts to preserve the bond. Many failed relationships are due to the unintentionally destructive actions of both partners, and could be helped or even radically transformed through insight and joint effort. Many others are inexplicably unworkable despite such insight and effort. Every relationship contains many ingredients, some conscious and some unconscious; and however deeply we analyse ourselves and our partners, we must sometimes accept some deeper or higher intelligence at work in our relationship patterns. Yet whatever the nature and outcome of a relationship, if - as Jung puts it - anything "happens ", both people are irrevocably changed.